Endings and Beginnings

Que sera, sera

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera, sera

What will be, will be

For as long as I can remember, I have heard my mother sing the song that Doris Day introduced in the Alfred Hitchcock film The Man Who Knew Too Much. Full disclosure, I haven’t seen the film (I watched one Hitchcock movie in junior high school and refused to ever watch another horror movie). It wasn’t until recently that I knew the origins of the song – I just knew that it was a song my mother liked.

After my daughter was born, that was the song that my mother sang to her, as she also did with my nieces and great-niece when they were infants. Last week, I heard my mother sing the song again – this time to my granddaughter, and the words took on new meaning for me.

The day after my granddaughter’s birth as I was marveling at photos of her with a sense of hopefulness for her future, it was announced that Bill and Melinda Gates, co-founders of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, were divorcing after 27 years of marriage.

Obviously, I don’t know the couple, but I have followed their philanthropic work, read their books, and watched interviews with them. From an outside perspective, their marriage, parenting, and work seemed to be an equal partnership, which is something that I admire. So, I was surprised and disappointed to hear they were divorcing.

For most of my life, I believed that only two things could end a relationship or marriage – infidelity or physical abuse. One of my favorite movies of all time is The Way We Were with Barbra Streisand and Robert Redford. When I watched it onscreen for the first time when I was 16-years-old, it was unfathomable to me that two people who were so clearly in love wouldn’t/couldn’t stay together. Forty-seven years later with the benefit of life experience and a little more emotional maturity, it is no longer a mystery to me.

I have many friends who have divorced or separated because they married or partnered with a person of disparate religious, political, economic, life, values, or familial convictions. Some have weathered the separation with grace; others have not.

We’ve been led to believe that love conquers all. Our churches, media, families, and culture have taught us this. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes love just isn’t enough.

When I watched the The Way We Were, I cried because I was sad and didn’t understand. When I watched Episode 8 of Season 6 of Schitt’s Creek (yes, I’m still on a Schitt’s Creek binge), I cried because I understood. I have learned that you can hold two competing ideas and feelings at the same time. It is possible to love someone with all your heart and soul and not be able to live with them. It is possible to care about someone and need to set boundaries around a toxic relationship.

As with any high-profile divorce, there has been speculation as to the reason why the Gates have decided to end their marriage. Honestly, I don’t care. I’m not interested in the solacious gossip about the Gates’ marriage. But I am saddened by the fact that a union that began with hope and promise has ended.

I don’t know what my granddaughter’s future holds. Honestly, I don’t know what my own future will be. But a lot of therapy and a continuous journey for emotional maturity has prepared me for the unknown and uncertainty. The one thing that I am certain about is that there will be storms. I’m hoping that my granddaughter, my daughter, my family, my friends, and our society will have the competency and bandwidth to navigate them.