Four Days

As I write this, I’m sitting at an outdoor patio restaurant in my neighborhood. It’s the first sunny and dry day in Dallas in a week, and the first time I’ve been outside my 700 square foot apartment in five days. Part of that is because of the weather, and part of it is because I spent several 10+ hour days on Zoom participating in the first ever virtual American Public Health Association (APHA) Annual Meeting & Expo. The meeting was originally scheduled to be in San Francisco.

APHA is one of those meetings that can feel overwhelming (it typically draws 10,000+ members to the annual meeting), but it is also one of the conferences each year that I get to connect and spend time with friends, so in some ways it feels intimate.

As with everything else in 2020, the APHA staff made this new virtual reality work. The keynote with Bryan Stevenson, the founder and Executive Director of the Equal Justice Initiative, author of the book, Just Mercy, and subject of the movie of the same name, was amazing and inspiring and thought-provoking and uplifting, and exactly the keynote that I’ve come to expect from APHA.

This week, I spent some time reflecting back to previous APHA meetings, including the last time the meeting was held in San Francisco in 2012. My best friend and I had arrived in the city early, so that we could spend some time on a wine tour of Napa. The Injury Control and Emergency Health Services section of APHA also honored the accomplishments of pioneers in my field with their “20 for 20” awards, which was followed by a dance party. My friend and former boss, Sue Mallonee was honored that year, as well as several other friends and colleagues. The Giants were also in the World Series (and would go on to be crowned champions that year), so everything about that trip and experience was celebratory. Thanks to Facebook algorithms (or not depending on your viewpoint of social media platforms), the photos from that trip kept popping up in my Facebook memories this week.

The other APHA meeting I’ve thought a lot about this week was the 2016 meeting in Denver. Those photos haven’t popped up in my social media feed as much, but I’ve spent some time looking at them this week, too. When I look at those photos, I see a different person than who I was in 2012 and 2016. Sure, I’m older, and the photos reflect that. But gone is the Pollyannaish person my sister used to tease me about being. The past four years have changed me, and I see the world differently

Thanks to lots of therapy, I have learned to find reasons to be hopeful. But I no longer see the future through rose-colored glasses. I have seen evil and that changes a person. At the same time, I’m less likely to shame and blame someone for their ideas and more likely to question the system that contributed to the life experiences that formulated their ideas.

I’ve taken steps to declutter my life – of material things I don’t need and that don’t bring me joy. I feel less obligated to spend time with people who are toxic. I’m less likely to feel “bullied” into fixing a problem and more comfortable leaning into things that feel uncomfortable. I’ve examined and reckoned with my whiteness and the privilege my skin color affords me in ways that I never did before 2016.

Four days prior to November 8, 2016, I felt hopeful and excited. Today, four days until November 3, 2020, I feel anxious and unsure. I don’t know how I will feel on November 4 or however long it takes to know the election results. If the results are different than what I hope, I suspect I will feel more sadness than outrage. That’s because I’ve seen how our systems have perpetuated long-held, discriminatory beliefs, and I’ve come to expect the worst. If the results are what I hope to see, I suspect I will feel more relief than ecstasy, because – well, see above reason. I don’t know if I will ever feel exhilaration again. I hope so, but I don’t know.

I’m encouraged by the enthusiasm of voters and the early voting numbers. Honestly, I don’t know what it means. I’ve reviewed poll numbers, read articles and watched news clips of interviews from individuals from both the Democrat and Republican parties, and it seems that everyone is more engaged in the process this year. At a time when it seems some states and jurisdictions are making it harder to vote during this pandemic, people are defying the odds and standing in line for hours to cast their ballot. I can at least appreciate everyone’s willingness to engage in the political process, regardless of their motives.

My boss gave me a directive today – turn off the news until Tuesday evening. We’ll see how successful I am at doing that.

I don’t know when I will feel like posting a blog again. But today, it felt important to document my feelings during this unprecedented year as we approach the 2020 election.

On this last weekend before the election, I wish for peace and safety for everyone.