Fall, Pumpkin Spice Chai Lattes, and November

I have a complicated relationship with the Fall season. I love the crisp cooler weather, the pop of color that appears as leaves begin to change, and the Pumpkin Spice Chai lattes that I’ve come to expect. But as the calendar moves closer to November each year, my mood shifts to melancholy. Over several years, I lost two close friends, my grandmother, nephew, and father during the month of November. As my sister-in-law articulately calls it – “November is the sucky month.”

On November 4, it will be 22 years since my father died. While my days are not marked by the raw grief I felt in the months following his death, I still miss him; perhaps more recently because of articles I’ve read about Joe Biden’s unconditional love for his son, Hunter. 

The articles were posted after John Cardillo, a conservative Newsmax host, tweeted a black-and-white photograph of Joe Biden kissing his son on the cheek, with the words, “Does this look like an appropriate father/son interaction to you?” 

I don’t know who John Cardillo is, and I don’t follow him on Twitter. I became aware of the tweet because I do follow John Pavlovitz, a writer and pastor. Pavlovitz had replied to Cardillo’s tweet with “Father’s should kiss their sons so that their sons grow up to be men who don’t see compassion as a character flaw, who don’t mistake toughness for strength, who aren’t afraid to love people fully.” Pavlovitz’s reply included a link to his blog post, “Fathers Should Kiss Their Sons,” in which he said, “Fathers are supposed to love their sons—unashamedly, completely, and affectionately. They are supposed to be overflowing in their pride and exploding with joy. That’s the whole point of being a father to begin with.” The only thing that I could add to Pavlovitz’s powerful words is that the photo Cardillo shared is exquisite.

Much has been written about Hunter Biden’s struggle with drug addiction. He is certainly not alone in his struggle. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, overdose deaths involving opioids, including prescription opioids, heroin and synthetic opioids have increased almost six times since 1999. 

Any expert in substance use issues will tell you that overcoming addiction is a life-long process. Hunter Biden is fortunate to have a father who loves and supports him unconditionally. 

While I never used drugs, sparing my father from that worry, I’m sure that if he were here, he would be the first to admit that I disappointed him at times. There were times that I felt his disappointment, but I never felt that my father was ashamed of me, nor did I feel that I embarrassed him. In the last months of his life, perhaps with a global view that only impending mortality can provide, he modeled understanding and compassion as I struggled with changes in my life.

My father (and mother) provided my sister and me with all the tangible things like housing, food, clothing, a college education, etc. But it was the many intangible things, such as nurturing our self-esteem and self-worth while keeping us grounded, that contributed to our resilience. 

As a parent, there have been far too many times that I’ve tried to mold my daughter into a “mini me.” When she was a toddler and young child, I dressed her in the preppy clothes I favored. By the time she was an adolescent, her taste in fashion was as far from mine as humanely imaginable. As an adult, she has chosen a path different from mine. I haven’t always been successful at this, but I try to celebrate the things that make her unique – her emotional intelligence, empathy, curiosity, and courage. She may resemble my physical appearance, but she has most definitely emerged from the shadow of being my daughter into a soulful, competent young woman. I couldn’t be prouder of her.

In a Washington Post article entitled, “Joe Biden, Hunter Biden and the politics of unconditional love,”columnist Monica Hesse, asked “Is the goal of fatherhood to shape your offspring in your own image — the path you feel is worthiest and best — and to require respect and devotion? Or is the goal to love your son [or daughter – my addition] even in his [her] lowest moments, to redefine your expectations, to take on the heavy load of unconditional parenting, even when it’s a lopsided deal?”

Regardless of the gender of the child, all children should feel unconditional love.

I was 40 years-old when my father died, but I never called him by any other name than “Daddy.” I feel certain that if Philip Stephens was here today, he would tell me that the things Hesse outlined in her article are exactly the things that “a Daddy should do.” Because that’s the Daddy that he was.