Confronting Complicated Complexities

Like most of the world, I was stunned by the news of the death of former Los Angeles Laker and NBA All-Star, Kobe Bryant. I think any time a young, healthy person dies suddenly, it is shocking. But that is the reality of most injury deaths.

As is the case with shocking news, my social media accounts were flooded with comments about Bryant’s death. The comments ran the gamut from despair over the loss of a “hero,” to others calling him a “rapist,” to Evangelicals warning about the unpredictability of life and a call to “get right with God.”

I’m not a Lakers fan, and consequently, I wasn’t a Kobe fan. Unlike many sports fanatics who “hate” rival teams and players, I don’t hate the Lakers, nor did I hate Kobe. I love sports, and I love it when my teams win, but I just think it is silly to harbor hatred for opposing teams and players. If you think I don’t understand the passion of sports, you’re wrong. I was a bundle of nerves on February 7, 2016 and spent the entire Super Bowl 50 standing in front of my television (didn’t sit down even during halftime) watching my favorite player, Peyton Manning, lead my favorite team, the Denver Broncos to victory over Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers. Trust me, I can get excited when my teams are playing!

While I appreciated Kobe’s talent, his work ethic, and his athletic accomplishments, I’m drawn to sports figures who display a quiet, humble leadership more than those who are brash and flashy. I like Peyton Manning more than I do Lebron James. I appreciate Jalen Hurts style more than that of Baker Mayfield, even though Mayfield won another Heisman for the Oklahoma Sooners. I prefer the on-the-field performances and off-the-field personalities of the Selmon brothers (stalwart defensive legends at OU) over that of Brian “the Boz” Bozworth.

I admire many sports figures for their contributions to their respective sports, but I don’t idolize them. Therefore, I struggle with the adoration hoisted upon athletes.

Bryant’s death also garnered comments from sexual assault service providers and advocacy groups. In 2003, Bryant was accused of sexual assault by a 19-year-old woman, who was an employee of a hotel where Bryant was staying in Colorado. The woman accompanied the basketball star on a tour of the resort and later went to his hotel room, where she said he raped her.

At the time, Bryant was 24 years-old. He was charged with one count of felony assault, but the prosecutors dropped the case when the woman decided not to testify. The accuser brought a civil suit against Bryant, which was settled out of court in 2005.

I know nothing about the case other than what was reported in the media. Admittedly, I have certain biases, namely that I’m a woman who has read enough credible studies regarding sexual assault to know that rape is the most under-reported crime (63% of sexual assaults are not reported to police), and the prevalence of false reporting is between 2% and 10%.

Bryant apologized for the incident and said he believed it was “consensual.” This seems to be a recurring theme with men who have been accused of sexual assault. Just listen to the excuses from Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, and Les Moonves. Do these men and so many others really believe their sexual assaults were consensual? If so, is this an individual failure or a societal failure?

Ironically just hours before the news about the helicopter crash that killed Bryant broke, I picked up a copy of the January/February 2020 issue of The Atlantic when I was at the airport because the cover story “The Miseducation of the American Boy” by Peggy Orenstein caught my eye. In the article, Orenstein describes how she spent two years talking to more than 100 boys across America between the ages of 16 and 21 of all races and ethnicities about masculinity, sex, and love and the forces, seen and unseen, that shape them as men. Orenstein reported that nearly every boy she interviewed believed that girls were just as smart, competent, and deserving of leadership roles. Yet when asked to describe the attributes of the “ideal guy,” Orenstein said those same boys “appeared to be harking back to 1955.” The terms they used to describe the “ideal guy” were dominance, aggression, rugged good looks, sexual prowess, stoicism, athleticism, and wealth. The article also referenced a survey that compared young men from the U.S., United Kingdom, and Mexico. The survey revealed that men from the U.S. reported more social pressure to be “ever-ready” for sex, to “get with as many women as possible,” and to “control their female partners.”

By all accounts, Kobe Bryant was excelling in life after he retired in 2016. He was the ambassador for After-School All-Stars, which organizes after-school programs for children. He founded the Kobe Bryant China Fund, which raised money for education and health programs. He wrote children's books and produced animated stories. In 2018, he won an Academy Award for his animated short film "Dear Basketball." Perhaps because he was the father of four girls, he was also a champion for women’s athletics.

I think it is important that we understand that Kobe Bryant was a gifted athlete who made many positive contributions to society, but it is just as likely that the allegations of sexual assault by the young woman in 2003 are true. And, that young woman may have lasting trauma, as a result. We need to hold space for both.

I was thinking about the complexity of these issues when I saw the report that Bryant’s 13-year-old daughter, Gianna, who wanted to follow in her father’s footsteps and play in the WBNA, also died in the helicopter crash along with seven others. And in an instant, I was a mother who went from being stunned about the death of basketball superstar to heartbroken for the families who lost children, mothers, wives, fathers, and husbands.

As I was processing the news and conflicting diatribe on social media surrounding Bryant’s death, there were two posts by Jen and Brandon Hatmaker, Christian pastors and philanthropists, that summed up my thoughts. They didn’t include warnings or assurances about life after death. They were simply honest and compassionate.

Jen Hatmaker: My mind keeps trying to imagine losing Brandon and one of our kids in the same day. I cannot do it. I wish I could wrap Vanessa Bryant and her family in a blanket and love them around the clock. What a terrible, horrible, unfair loss. The sadness is unthinkable. People of faith, pray for comfort for all the families who lost their beloveds today when they were just going to a basketball game. Life. It is so short and fleeting and nothing is guaranteed. Hold tight your dear ones. Love those who are suffering. Wrap one another up.

Brandon Hatmaker: I grew up a Lakers fan. Magic. Kareem. Worthy. Scott. AJ. Cooper. Rambis. The list goes on. But I’ll never forget the excitement around Kobe. Straight out of high school. So much excitement. Such a career. He was a world class athlete. Invincible. Untouchable. Maybe that’s why this is so shocking. A father. His daughter. With a lifetime ahead of them. So tragic. I wish I had answers. Honestly... right now I can’t even find questions. So much mystery. And the sure reality that we better grab on to whatever moment we have today. Rest In Peace Kobe. May we never take a day for granted.

Amen, Jen and Brandon. There are no absolutes. Life can be complicated and complex. It’s not black and white or either or. Here’s hoping (and praying) that someday soon, we can learn to critically appraise opposing viewpoints and see both sides with empathy and compassion.