Full Bucket

A few weeks ago, I ran into an emergency room physician for whom I have much respect and affection. As we were chatting, he started telling me about a book he wanted me to read. The book How Full Is Your Bucket? by Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton, focuses on simple daily strategies to boost well-being by following the “bucket principle.” It is organized around a simple metaphor of an invisible dipper and bucket and explains how even brief interactions can fill or empty our bucket. Obviously, when our bucket is full, we feel good; when it’s empty, not so much.

In spite of having a very privileged life with a good fulfilling job, healthy family, and wonderful friends and colleagues, my bucket often feels empty. I know that most of it is due to juggling multiple demands on my time, which limits my ability to take care of my physical and emotional health. Intellectually, I get it. However, that doesn’t mean I’ve been very good at translating the knowledge into practice. But I’m getting better.

With a lot of help, I’ve been on a mission of self-discovery, learning and growth for the past 2 years. To that end, I’ve spent many hours in conversations with counselors, executive coaches and friends. I’ve read countless articles and books, and I’m slowly learning to challenge assumptions and set boundaries. I’m also trying to prioritize time with people who “fill my bucket.”

Last week, I attended the 2019 Annual Safe States Alliance Conference in Atlanta. For me, the Safe States Conference is an opportunity to be with some of my closest friends. More than once, I’ve heard my friends say it is like going to a family reunion – the good kind! But it is also busy for me – very busy. This year was no exception. Many of our Team Texas members gave presentations. Those presentations, along with my other Safe States responsibilities kept me running from room to room every day. When the daily sessions were finished, there were more meetings or social events to attend in the evenings. There always seemed to be one more person wanting to visit with me about a new idea. As is the case every year, the days run into nights, and it can be physically exhausting. Most years when I would finally lug my body to my hotel room late in the evening, I would realize that I hadn’t spent much time with my friends.

This year was different. My friend Lisa, who has retired, drove to Atlanta and stayed with our friend Peg. I only see Peg once a year, and I haven’t seen Lisa since she retired in 2015. Although we don’t see each other often, we occasionally send text messages. I had a social event the first evening I was in Atlanta, but I dragged Peg and Lisa with me so that I could spend some time with them. It was so nice to be in their presence. Another night after our meetings ended, I followed several Team Texas members to watch the third Democratic debate at a bar that was hosting a watch party.

Instead of heading to the airport as soon as the conference ended, I headed to my friend Susan’s where our friends Amber, Linda and their teenage daughters joined us for the weekend. What did we do? We took the teenagers to get manicures and to the mall to shop for homecoming dresses and jewelry. Susan and I don’t frequent malls much anymore; our daughters are older and living on their own, but we didn’t mind being at the mall because being with our friends was just fun. Later back at Susan’s, we just spent time talking, and eating and drinking Susan’s food and beverages. Sometimes, Linda and I would be in deep conversation while Amber and Susan were in conversation just inches away from us. We enjoyed our time together, but we also gave each other space to be alone. Sometimes the teenagers joined our conversations. We listened to them, and they observed us – four women with deep friendships navigating different stages in our lives. It was just an easy weekend because our friendships our so easy.

I’m fortunate to have a wide breadth of friends and even more fortunate to have a few who know and understand the depth of my heart and love me when I’m not perfect.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the perfect friend. Too often I allow those multiple demands on my time to keep me from calling or texting to check in with my friends. Connection is very important to me, yet I sometimes fail at connecting. I read a blog post in July entitled “Here’s to the Friends Who Love Us Even When We Go Quiet.” The author talked about how much she cherished the friends who don’t complain, judge or resent her even when she is absent. She said, “I barely have time for the amazing people in my life; I certainly don’t have time for people with standards I can never live up to or high maintenance relationships that require a lot of obligatory work.” Amen, sister!

When I arrived back in Dallas on Sunday evening, my body was tired, but my heart and bucket were full.

Thank you Amber, Linda, Susan, Peg, Lisa, and as always, Team Texas and my Safe States family!