40 Years

There is a lot that can change in 40 years. Without question, technological advancements, that seem to be happening at the speed of light, change the way we communicate, work, and learn. In the past 40 years, we’ve been introduced to: the Internet, personal computers, mobile phones, e-mail, software, GPS (personal favorite), online shopping, online education, digital music and photography, solar and wind energy, fiber optics, DNA testing and human genome mapping, Magnetic Resonance Imaging (MRI), and non-invasive laser/robotic surgery (laparoscopy). Whew!

Forty years is basically two generations. It is also how long I’ve been married. When I got married in 1979, I didn’t have any grand illusions about the future. If I’m completely honest, I probably wasn’t thinking much beyond our wedding or honeymoon. But, even at the ridiculously young age of 21, I didn’t expect that marriage or life would be a fairy-tale. And, I certainly didn’t go into marriage thinking that I would “change” my husband. I just knew that I loved him, and that I was willing to put in the work to make our marriage last. I didn’t expect or want him to “take care of me.” I wanted a partner – a partner for life.

There were many people who didn’t think we were a good match, including individuals who worked with my husband. He had been a high school athlete and was a high school basketball coach when we met. I was a sophomore in college and had been a cheerleader in high school, not a basketball player. Let’s just say that my athletic abilities are limited. There were people who thought I wouldn’t be a good “coach’s wife” because I hadn’t played the game. Seriously. Ironically, my dad had been a basketball coach, and I loved the game. I still do. It may be one of the few interests that we actually have in common.

My husband knew what his career would be before he reached junior high school. I more or less fell into my career. He probably started planning for retirement around the same time he decided to become a basketball coach. That’s a good thing because, while he was planning for our financial security, I was planning the next vacation. He is conservative in his political views; I’m far left of center. He came out of the womb with “an old soul;” I’m Peter Pan. While we are both of the Baby Boomer generation, he is much more of a traditionalist, and I align more with Millennials, Gen X or Z or whatever. As I write this post, my husband is sitting in his car reading a newspaper, while I’m sitting in a coffee shop drinking chai tea and blogging.

Our marriage doesn’t look like the marriages of our parents or our friends. He was from a family where none of the women worked, yet he always supported my career. I never had any intention of not working. But during the summer of 1988, I looked at my 2 month-old daughter, and thought there was no way I could ever leave her. My husband looked at me and said, “I think you will always regret it if you don’t go back to work.” He was right (he will tell you that is the only time I have given him credit for being right, but that’s not necessarily true). While I love my daughter more than life itself, my husband knew that – just like Reese Witherspoon’s and Nicole Kidman’s characters in Big Little Lies – “I needed more!”

The thing is – everything good that has happened in my adult life and career is associated with my husband. When I said I fell into my career, it was because I followed my husband to Oklahoma City when he accepted a new job. Had we not been together, I’m not sure I would have ended up in Oklahoma City in the job that I landed after we moved. I wouldn’t have Staley or the friends that are so important to me. We never know what may have happened on the path not taken. There would likely have been different choices, different friends, and certainly different children. But, I’m pretty happy with the life I have and can’t imagine my life without the people I love in it.

True to form, my husband has been trying to plan a gift for our 40th anniversary for 2 years. He is prone to big grand gestures on special occasions, while I prefer drama-less episodes throughout the year. His first thought was to surprise me with a trip to South Africa. My best friend is from Cape Town, and he knows how much I want to visit that city. But, I nixed that idea, making it clear to my husband that I only want to visit South Africa if Carolyn and Dave are with us. So, he was on to Plan B. That’s the thing about my husband – he always has another plan waiting in the wings!

Just to contrast our differences, I ordered my husband’s gift last week – a set of traffic cones! He hates the traffic in Dallas (I love its energy), and he jokingly mentioned that he needed to carry traffic cones in his car, so he could park anywhere he wanted! His gift to me was a ruby (traditional 40th anniversary stone, of course) ring he designed. It’s beautiful.

Our marriage hasn’t been perfect. Like all marriages, we’ve had our share of struggles, as well as more than our share of fun, happy moments. With all of the changes happening around us, it is unrealistic to expect that people and circumstances don’t change. Certainly, our bodies change. Hopefully, wisdom and experiences also bring greater understanding.

On May 25, 1979, I stood at the alter in the First United Methodist Church in Ada, Oklahoma with much uncertainty, excitement and hope for a future that I couldn’t fathom. Today, I’m as unclear about the future as I was 40 years ago. But, there is one thing that I am sure about – “I still do” to continuing this journey and figuring things out with the man who always has a plan.

Happy anniversary, Stidham. I love you.