Can we please stop looking at things as if they are black and white?

Last week, I was once again confronted with the reality that things are not binary. As much as we try to make everything black or white, it just isn’t. Even black and white photography, which I love, isn’t just black and white – every photo has many shades of gray imbedded in it.

When things are incongruent, we seem increasingly unable to resolve the conflict in our minds, so we divert to “it has to be one way or the other.”

I was traveling on business last week, so I missed the early news reports about allegations from women who said they felt uncomfortable with physical overtures from former Vice President Joe Biden. To be clear, none of the women (as of this post) have accused Biden of outright sexual harassment or assault. Once I heard the news reports, I did what I typically do – I looked at multiple sources to determine what had happened.

What I found was Biden supporters defending his actions as those of someone who is affectionate to both men and women. They claimed the allegations were politically motivated. Biden critics, on the other hand, claimed that Democrats are hypocritical and making excuses for him. Friends and colleagues of Biden said that his physical touching is evidence of his ability to connect with people. I saw a video clip of Whoopi Goldberg and Meghan McCain (two people on opposite ends of the political spectrum) in which both said Biden’s hugging and physical touch are things both love about Biden. Both questioned Lucy Flores’s motives, a former Nevada assemblywoman who published the essay that ignited the controversy.

This week, Biden released a video in which he said, “Social norms have begun to change. They’ve shifted, and boundaries of protecting personal space have been reset — and I get it.” Immediately, women’s rights advocates questioned his sincerity. Others felt he hadn’t actually “apologized.” Former Georgia gubernatorial nominee Stacey Abrams said Biden’s response was "what we should be looking for" in elected leaders.

Then, speaking at an International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers conference in Washington, Biden appeared to make light of the allegations by joking that he had “permission” to hug Union President Lonnie Stephenson, which prompted the largely male crowd to burst into laughter. That prompted Flores to comment on Twitter, “It’s clear @JoeBiden hasn’t reflected at all on how his inappropriate and unsolicited touching made women feel uncomfortable. To make light of something as serious as consent degrades the conversation women everywhere are courageously trying to have.” Tarana Burke, the founder of the #MeToo movement, tweeted that Biden’s comment was “disrespectful and inexcusable.”

Honestly, it’s enough to make me want to bang my head against the wall. My friend, Mary Ann, has a habit of sending us funny animal memes when things become so absurd, and that is exactly how I feel when I hear the narrative around this controversy. Can we please just take a breath and listen before we rush to judgment on either side?

For the most part, I like Joe Biden. I have respected his political contributions. I loved most of the “Obama/Biden ‘bromance’ memes.” While I think his comments at the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers conference were “tone death,” I have appreciated his efforts supporting women. I applaud his work around the Violence Against Women Act, yet I was disappointed in his handling of Anita Hill’s testimony during Clarence Thomas’ confirmation hearing to become a Supreme Court justice.

I am not discounting the claims of Flores and the other women that Biden’s physical gestures made them uncomfortable. I believe they did. I have been in situations when I have felt uncomfortable with physical gestures and the personal space infringement from certain people, while not feeling the same way about the same gestures from others. A hug from some people can make me feel warm and protected, while it can feel creepy and like a boundary has been crossed from others. Sometimes I crave physical touch from certain people and abhor it from others.

I’ve heard men complain that they need “a playbook” to determine what is acceptable behavior these days in light of the #MeToo movement. Seriously? Have we lost our critical thinking ability that we can’t assess whether something makes someone uncomfortable? Or, have we gotten so lazy that we don’t want to think?

Again, this isn’t about “political correctness.” It’s about being attuned to the feelings and body language of others. My best friend is better at “reading” the body language of an individual or group of people than anyone I know. While I do believe that she is brilliant, the reality is that this shouldn’t be that hard.

Yes, our cultural acceptance of certain actions has changed. I feel much more empowered and confident to say when something makes me uncomfortable today than I did even 2 years ago, thanks to the #metoo movement and a little maturity. But again, the societal changes have nothing to do with how we should behave, whether it was acceptable 20 years ago.

I’ve heard people compare Biden’s actions to those of Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, or Brett Kavanaugh. Personally, I don’t think Biden’s actions rise to the level of sexual assault, and it has nothing to do with my political leanings. But, it is not my place to question how Flores felt or her motivation in publishing her essay.

The complex reality is that there are people who unintentionally behave in ways that are questionable and make people uncomfortable. Likewise, there are people, who intentionally behave in ways that are questionable and unethical, yet do some positive things. It’s on each of us to distinguish, which is which.

This is not a condemnation of Joe Biden, or an endorsement. It is an appeal to have a conversation where we actually listen to all sides with the intent to understand, rather than jump to judgment. We need to build bridges of understanding instead of walls of contempt.

Life isn’t black and white.