Dear Staley

May 12, 2018

Your mom was wrong!

In May 1976 with all the maturity of an 18 year-old about to graduate from high school, when asked what my ambition was, I said, “Not to be just a wife and mother.” This was recorded in the graduation document for our Class of ’76. Since this was pre-Internet, there may not be proof of those words, unless some of my classmates saved their copy. Already a proud feminist at that point, I wrote that statement because I was frustrated that the ambition of many of my female classmates was “to be a good wife and mother.” Don’t misunderstand, even then I wanted to be married with children; I just didn’t think it should be the focus of my life. I wanted it all – career, success on my own merits, as well as a family. It may explain why Hillary Clinton’s 1992 response to a question about her career as a lawyer put me permanently on the “I’m with her” bandwagon. Her comment of "I suppose I could have stayed home, baked cookies, and had teas," has dogged her ever since. While the remark outraged many voters who perceived it as a knock against stay-at-home wives and moms, it resonated with me. Still does.

That said, my comment about not being just a wife and mother, may have been one of the most uninformed comments I have ever made. In May 1988 after nine years of being happily married, there was nothing I wanted more than to be YOUR mother, and a good one at that.

As trite as it sounds, on May 12, 1988, my life changed in ways that I could never have imagined. Being your mother has been the most exhilarating, exhausting, fun, worrisome, important and meaningful thing that I have ever done. My love for you is indescribable. I would not change one single thing about you. I cherish every second with you.

On your 30th birthday, I wish for you the ability to be YOU. I wish for you the ability to choose your success, which may not be the same as mine. What I didn’t know in 1976 is that everyone, including all women, has the right to choose and create their future, regardless of whether it falls into feminist or homemaker ideals. I wish for you love, strength, happiness, and resilience – on your terms.

I’ll probably get some flack from the English teachers in our family, but I love the quote below. Don’t ever forget it.

“You is smart. You is kind. You is important.”

Aibileen Clark in The Help

Happy birthday, Staley. You are my greatest joy.

I love you.

Mom