Racism, Mental Health, and Family Dysfunction.

On March 7, 2021, I was one of 17.1 million viewers who watched Oprah Winfrey’s interview with the Duke and Duchess of Sussex (aka, Meghan and Prince Harry). Following the broadcast, it seemed everyone who had watched (and probably some who didn’t) had an opinion. 

As for me, I watched the interview with curiosity, paying attention to my own reactions to things that both the Duke and Duchess said. As I listened to commentary of journalists, it seems there were three overarching issues that monopolized discussions – racism, mental health, and family dysfunction. 

As someone who has never experienced racism, I’ve come to the conclusion that my responsibility is not to provide commentary, but to do my part in understanding the feelings of my Black friends and colleagues and the role that racism has played in shaping our culture. However, I’ve had enough conversations with Black friends and read enough books that I understand all White people drenched in colonial history (including me) have implicit bias. So, when I hear a White person, particularly someone of privilege, proclaim they are not racist, they lose credibility with me. 

I’m going to sound like a broken record, but my biggest takeaway after the interview was that there may not be better justification for why social emotional learning is critically important and should be incorporated into every facet of culture and society. Unfortunately, I’ve come to the realization that being a good parent or even a kind human being is not intuitive. We desperately need an instruction manual, particularly if we have been shaped by a societal or family culture that has created a system that disregards and consciously doesn’t understand emotional health. 

As much work that I’ve devoted to developing a growth mindset during the past few years, I have been reminded during the past week how quickly I can shift from a place of compassion and curiosity to a place of anger and judgement. That’s exactly what happens when I hear people say, “just get over it” or “we’ve all endured and survived.” Whether it’s excuses about the British “stiff upper lip,” or the U.S. “pull yourselves up by the bootstraps” mentality, I am exhausted and frustrated with the continued willful ignorance around this subject.

For those who choose to blame individuals for not “getting over it,” there is a large amount of credible evidence that environment, and not genetics, overwhelming influences our physical and mental health. In a 2012 report, the Bipartisan Policy Center found that genetics make up 20% of health, while 70% of behaviors are influenced by environmental factors. Research has shown that institutions shape the environment in which individual and family decisions get made.

History is littered with destructive outcomes as a result of failures to recognize and prioritize the importance of emotional health, and we all continue to suffer from those failures. Institutions have been built on a caste system that benefits a privileged few, whether it is by birth or some other ideology that is long-passed its expiration date, while damaging many others. 

And, I have been part of the problem. I have been praised for having “high standards of knowing which fork to use at a formal dinner,” while listening to the people who praise me toss humiliation at others. Knowing which fork to use at a formal dinner has never advanced my career or made me a better person; having a modicum of emotional intelligence and empathy has. Yet, there have been far too many times in my past when I was satisfied to be praised for something so frivolous and failed to speak out against the cruel words.

I was reminded this week of a conversation with a colleague who works in ministry at an affluent church in Dallas. I had shared a personal story of a time when I had felt humiliated by a person of financial means. My colleague responded by telling me, “I have found it harder to serve a congregation of extreme wealth and entitlement than to serve a congregation of extreme poverty and disadvantage.”

I am also so sick of the disparaging comments against the Sussexes for their “timing” of the interview with Oprah or their “disrespect” of Queen Elizabeth’s age. I’m now of the age defined by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) and the U.S. Social Security Administration (as well as many movie theatres) as “senior citizen.” And, it is my opinion, that age, title or birthright do not make you worthy of respect. I don’t deserve respect and compassion because of my age, particularly if I have purposely inflicted pain on someone. Actions make you worthy of respect. There are many worthy patronages that the British royal family supports, and I respect their work with these patronages. I don’t believe anyone should be exempted from inflicting pain, regardless of their age. And we should stop excusing behavior that harms others in ways we don’t recognize whether through willful ignorance or in ways that are more intentional.

I’m also tired of the comments that the Sussexes should not have spoken out publicly and should have “handled it within the family.” From what I heard during the interview, that’s exactly what they did. Again, there is plenty of credible evidence that Human Resources departments do not protect its employees from egregious behavior, but instead, protect the offenders. Additionally, powerful institutions have repeatedly hidden horrific behavior – sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests, Boy Scout leaders, and college athletic coaches, to name just a few.  

To put this in public health epidemiology terms, I’ll refer to the Epidemiologic Triangle, which is a model that scientists developed for studying health problems. The Triangle has three corners: 1) the Agent that causes the disease; 2) the Host that harbors the disease; and 3) the Environment, or those external factors that cause or allow disease transmission. The mission of an epidemiologist is to break at least one of the sides of the Triangle, disrupting the connection between the environment, the host, and the agent, and stopping the continuation of disease. That sounds like what the Duke and Duchess tried to do – disrupt the connection to stop the continuation of the disease.

Intellectually, I can fault the system that created the toxic environments, but I still struggle with finding compassion for those who have benefitted and continue to perpetuate the stereotypes that should have ended generations ago. 

I watched the interview with tears in my eyes for the pain I felt at being on the back end of toxic words triggered by the interview, as well as the pain I felt for being on the front end and my complicity.

I also understand getting trapped into responding to the infuriatingly loud white privileged people raging against the Duchess and questioning whether her mental health issues are “real.” But that only serves to benefit the anger of those privileged people. Instead, we should focus on the “protective factors” around the Duchess – her supportive relationships with her husband and friends. And we should devote our energy to creating protective factors for others.

People are flawed. Families are flawed. We will get hurt by people we love. And we will hurt people we love. No problems are solved or resolved unless there is understanding and forgiveness on both sides. My hope is that we stop trying to “silence” voices because we don’t like what they are saying, and that all families in distress can learn and heal.