Words Matter

“It’s not a lie if you believe it.”

George Costanza, Senfeld

Recently, I saw a post someone had shared on Facebook from Jim Daly, President of Focus on the Family. In the post, Daly complained about “Big Tech” titans and “Cancel Culture” for silencing individuals and organizations that don’t “cave to their political and social point of view.” The post was Daly’s response after he was blocked by Twitter. He was blocked by Twitter because he included a sentence in one of his tweets about Dr. Rachel Levine, President Biden’s selection to serve as Assistant Secretary for Health at the U.S. Health and Human Services. Daly’s tweet said, “Dr. Levine is a transgender woman, that it, a man who believes he is a woman.”

I was offended by the post, and my initial reaction was to fire off a comment “to enlighten” the person who had posted it. But I paused. Yep, as much work that I’m doing on self-growth and discovery, there’s still an indignant, self-righteous person lurking beneath. Clearly, I’m a work in progress. I’ll try to explain why I am offended by the post in the most non-inflammatory way that I can.

Words matter to me. I can’t determine intent behind those words, but I will make assumptions, as will virtually every other person on the planet. I know that no one who believes that Daly’s comment was fine will change their mind after reading this blog post, nor is that my intent. I’m just going to try to point out why words matter and why they have implications.

After reading Daly’s response, I did a quick (not comprehensive) Google search for the scientific definition of transgender. Every definition I found (including the Merriam Dictionary definition) defined transgender as “a person whose gender identity differs from the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth.” Not one of the scientific definitions used the word he or she “believes” he or she is a man or woman. The word “believes” is subjective and an opinion. The definition of “a person whose gender identity differs from the sex the person had or was identified as having at birth” is objective. A change in a few words can change a person’s perspective.

Additionally, Daly referred to Dr. Levine as President Biden’s “controversial” nominee. Dr. Levine may be controversial to people who believe that she is a “man who thinks he is a woman;” however, among public health professionals, she is a respected pediatrician and professor who has garnered praise during her role as Pennsylvania’s top health official for her efforts to address the coronavirus and opioid epidemic, as well numerous other public health issues. I don’t care at all about Dr. Levine’s gender, but I care very much about addressing these public issues and her proven competency to do so.

I don’t personally know anyone who is transgender, so I can’t speak to that with any inside knowledge. However, I have attended church (pre-pandemic) with individuals who are transitioning. And, I have read several articles from individuals who are transgender. Every one of them talked about how agonizing and shameful it is to live in a body that doesn’t match their identity. I can’t imagine how that would feel.

Honestly, I haven’t always felt compassion for transgender individuals, but I have reached a time in my journey where I’m trying to have understanding for people in situations that I can’t identify with or where my knowledge is lacking. Just because I can’t understand it, doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

Recently, someone encouraged me to really listen to other viewpoints and recommended that I listen to Candace Owen. Full disclosure, I had heard of Owens, but had never seen or listened to an interview with her. So, I listened to her January 8, 2021 podcast, the Best of Candace Owens from 2020. It was, I have to admit, hard to listen to without getting angry (but I kept listening). At the beginning, she and the others were making fun of the actress, Michelle Williams, who during her acceptance speech for winning a Golden Globe said she was grateful to have the ability to choose when and with whom to have her child. When I listened to the podcast, Candace and the others said she was “celebrating murdering her child for an inanimate object.” Owens remarks made a difficult decision sound like a simplistic one. I know several women who have made the very difficult decision to terminate a pregnancy. Not one of the people I know made that decision lightly.

During the past few weeks, I have also listened to a podcast where Adam Carolla, a political conservative comedian and podcaster was interviewed, watched YouTube clips of comedian Michelle Wolf hosting the 2018 White House Correspondent’s Dinner, and watched YouTube clips of Joe Scarborough’s commentary on MSNC’s Morning Joe. Obviously, I am more aligned politically with some of the above-mentioned people than I am with others. But my biggest take-way from this endeavor, is that I respond to the words, the tone, and the octave level. If the individuals speaking those words are yelling and condescending, count me out – you’ve lost my attention. If you are making fun of anyone, even if we agree politically, you have lost my respect.

Some of my perspective comes from feeling personally attacked and shamed by people who have professed to care about me.

“Shelli, my friends and I laugh about the fact that we are all challenged with having at least one liberal friend – I guess you are mine.”

“Shelli, you’re naïve and foolish.”

“Shelli, I’m capable of having conversations with socialists, what is your problem?”

It’s probably because of my own experiences that when I hear anyone mock someone who has a disability, repeatedly call people from Mexico seeking citizenship in the US “rapists,” brag about sexually assaulting women, and belittle the parents of a Muslim soldier who had died while serving our country, I’m offended. It even makes me angry when I hear someone in power insinuate that the Vice President (whose policies and beliefs I disagree with on every level) is weak because he won’t overturn the results of (by every credible account) a valid and fair election.

Yes, I still have an overwhelming tendency to be indignant and self-righteous about social injustice, forgetting that it probably wasn’t that long ago that I also bought into some of these beliefs. My best friend often reminds me that it is sometimes difficult to remember where I was before I “evolved.” Her words remind me to be diligent in considering other perspectives. To be careful about the words I choose – “defund the police, white privilege” – that may have negative connotations for others.

In an interview about his latest book, Think Again, author Adam Grant said we have falsely looked at consistency as integrity. If we are truly learners, we should change our beliefs based on new data and new information. It is hard to unlearn assumptions, reconsider ideas that are past their expiration date, reevaluate and reimagine our beliefs, thoughts, and identities. But, if we do, as Brene Brown says, we can build the intellectual and emotional muscle to stay curious and humble. If we focus on learning through questions instead of forming our rebuttals, maybe, just maybe we can find solutions that benefit everyone instead of just those who currently hold power.

I know that some people may have a different opinion, but I was encouraged to see Justin Timberlake’s public apology to Britney Spears and Janet Jackson recently. Timberlake’s apology came after he received messages following the release of Framing Britney Spears, a documentary by the New York Times. While I wish that the apology had come sooner, as a flawed human, I can identify with Timberlake’s “ignorance” and his pledge to do better.

In an Instagram post, Timberlake said,

“I have seen the messages, tags, comments, and concerns, and I want to respond. I am deeply sorry for the times in my life where my actions contributed to the problem, where I spoke out of turn or did not speak up for what was right. I understand that I fell short in these moments and in many others and benefited from a system that condones misogyny and racism.

I specifically want to apologize to Britney Spears and Janet Jackson both individually, because I care for and respect these women and I know I failed.

I also feel compelled to respond, in part, because everyone involved deserves better and more importantly, because this is a larger conversation that I wholeheartedly want to be part of and grow from.

The industry is flawed. It sets men, especially white men, up for success. It's designed this way. As a man in a privileged position, I have to be vocal about this. Because of my ignorance, I didn’t recognize it for all that it was while it was happening in my own life, but I do not want to ever benefit from others being pulled down again.

I have not been perfect in navigating all of this throughout my career. I know this apology is a first step and doesn’t absolve the past. I want to take accountability for my own missteps in all of this as well as be part of a world that uplifts and supports.

I care deeply about the wellbeing of the people I love and have loved. I can do better. and I will do better.”

After watching the documentary, I re-examined my own ideas about Spears and how I contributed or was complicit to the narrative that was being pushed. I was a mother of a teenaged daughter in 2004 when Spears’ single “Oops, I Did It Again” was released. I wanted to “protect” my daughter’s innocence and falsely blamed Spears for sexualization of her “brand” instead of the system behind it. I am ashamed of the thoughts I had following her struggles with emotional health issues instead of questioning why she was having issues or feeling compassion for a young woman who is only a few years older than my daughter.

I, too, have been plagued with ignorance. I, too, want to grow and learn. I applaud people who can rethink and reimagine when they have new data. I applaud them for having the strength and courage to acknowledge past mistakes. I want to be like them.

There was a quote from Jim Daly on the Facebook post that I saw that said, “The left will grasp for power. Our job is to clasp our hands together in prayer as we work to be a loving and attractive—and faithful—witness to the power and love of Jesus Christ.”

As a Christian, I also want to be a witness to the power and love of Jesus. I’ve finally realized that I won’t be that vessel if I’m dehumanizing and shaming those whose viewpoints differ from mine. It also won’t happen if the words I use are meant to harm and divide.

Bear with me, folks, I’m still learning.