Is Self-Care a Productivity App?

Recently, I did something I’m not accustomed to doing – I spent an entire weekend doing exactly what I wanted to do, which also meant that I didn’t succumb to the expectations or pressure of what others thought I should do.

This is so far from who I am. I have yet to take any of the Enneagram quizzes, but if there is one that is a “pleaser,” it has my name on it. Until recently, I couldn’t even fathom the possibility of saying “no” to a request regardless of how much I didn’t want to do it or how much pain it would cause me. If you have read any of my blog posts prior to 2021, you’ll see just how much I sucked at self-care.

There have been times in the past when I was so miserable, exhausted, and burned out that I’ve broken down into tears during a conversation with someone who bragged about sitting on the deck while leisurely sipping a cup of coffee and listening to the birds sing. For the record, it was a white woman who didn’t work outside the home and talked about how busy she was with her social obligations. As you can see from that last comment, I still harbor too much judgement.

Many years ago, while waiting to pick up my daughter from dance class, I overheard a conversation between several other mothers. One of the moms, who also did not work outside the home, was complaining about how “stressed” she was because she was remodeling her kitchen. I literally overheard her say, “Picking a stain color for my cabinets is so nerve-wracking.” I know that I probably sighed heavily and rolled my eyes. I’m not good at hiding my feelings of disgust, and that has been my knee-jerk reaction far too many times to count.

I mention all of this because I’ve also been doing a lot of self-awareness work on myself, which includes examining my own mental models – in this case, my mental models around work and what I deem as laziness. For those not fluent in systems approaches, Carolina Bento in an article published on December 3, 2017 described mental models as “our own, personalized, self-crafted mental blueprint of how the world works.” They are simplifications and assumptions we have accumulated through a variety of sources including lived experience, culture, society, and academic learning. Our mental models are so much a part of us that we don't have to devote much energy retrieving that knowledge. For those who want to do a deeper dive on mental models, The Systems Thinker is an excellent source of information.

My previous mental model around self-care was that people who take time for themselves are selfish and lazy. Self-sacrifice is laudable. Exhaustion is a badge of honor.

Likely that mental model came from others in my family who passed on unspoken “rules” about how I was expected to behave; rules that I didn’t challenge and probably passed on to my daughter. And, it could have come from mental models of my own because I wanted to be so opposite of the women I described earlier.

Wherever they came from, those mental models have not served me well.

This past summer, I re-read Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection, and listened to the 6-part podcast she recorded with her sisters, Ashley and Barrett on the Unlocking Us that celebrated the 10th anniversary of the release of the book. Guidepost #7 in the book is “Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth.” Re-reading that chapter and listening to the podcast was painful because I recognized myself. In. Every. Word. I had to confront how much damage I’ve not only done to my own mental and physical health, but also the harmful image I created for my daughter. But it also forced me to dig deeper and challenge my mental model about rest and self-care.

On another Brene Brown podcast – this one with Charles Duhigg on the Dare to Lead platform, Duhigg said, “Throughout history, there’s only been one killer productivity app, and it is, thinking more deeply, training ourselves to think more deeply about the choices that we are making, to make sure that what I am doing right now, aligns with what I think is most important, and acknowledging that it might be different yesterday and it might be different tomorrow, but at least right now, I’m thinking about that and I’m making a choice to get closer to it.”

During my 30+ year professional career, it has only been recently that I’ve been encouraged to “think deeply as a productivity tool.” What a novel concept! However, the reality is that I can’t “think deeply” when I’m stressed and exhausted. There is plenty of credible research on this topic that shows no one can.

There was a time in my not so distant past when my leadership invested a considerable amount of money to train senior leaders in Six Sigma, a highly touted methodology to improve processes. I have not been through the Six Sigma certification course, so I’m not comfortable speaking to whether it is effective. If your job is to make as many widgets as possible, then the Six Sigma methodology may be useful. However, in my profession, building relationships is key, and the focus on Six Sigma felt like leadership was prioritizing “efficiency” over quality.

For the past year, I’ve been in a work environment that prioritizes creating safe spaces for difficult conversations and self-care for employees. As a result, I’ve taken the opportunity to slow down on weekends, ask for what I need, and set boundaries in my personal life. I believe that it has deepened my capacity to “think deeply.”

A final point I want to make is that my ideas about self-care may differ from others. It is not helpful for people to try to tell me (or anyone else) how to rest and relax. I love to travel, but I want to travel to places I want to see with people I want to spend time with doing the things we enjoy. Even if I’m not traveling, the same goes for how I spend my weekends.

And, taking a nap is off the table, unless I’m sick. I loathe naps.

The bottom line is, let’s stop trying to tell others how to think, what to do, and how to relax. We may have common likes and dislikes, but we are also individuals with different likes and dislikes.

Let’s try to be understanding and compassionate. That may be the most helpful thing we can do.

Take care everyone.