Bewildered

Yesterday, January 6, 2021, I posted my first blog post of 2021 and shared some photos on Instagram. I was filled with hope and was feeling exhilarated when I finished my pre-dawn run. Those posts reflected my optimism for the new year. By that evening, I looked at that post feeling embarrassed, bewildered, and just sad.

I responded to a text from my best friend by saying that I had strong feelings about the attack at the Capitol building in Washington, DC, but that I didn’t have the words to articulate those feelings.

I’m not sure that I have the words 24 hours later. But like I have done so often during the past few years, I spent a considerable amount of time in the past 24 hours in reflection. While I still may not have the words, I do know what I saw and heard yesterday, and I know what I didn’t see and hear.

What I saw was a riotous mob of terrorists, many of whom were armed, storm past law enforcement officers who were trying to protect the people inside the building – not just the Congressional delegation who had gathered to certify the results of the November 3, 2020 election, but also the ones who were objecting to the election. Those law enforcement officers were also trying to protect the employees who are not elected and go to work in that building every day; those who like everyone else are just trying to collect a paycheck to support their families.

I didn’t see Black Lives Matter advocates peacefully protesting or kneeling during the national anthem. I didn’t see any “compelling evidence” that members of an anti-fascist group were masquerading as Trump supporters and were responsible for the violence as Florida Representative Matt Gaetz claimed.

I didn’t see “illegal aliens” scaling a border wall to wreak havoc on innocent Americans. I saw violent Americans scaling the walls of the nation’s Capitol building to, what I can only assume, destroy our country’s democracy.

I saw videos and photos that these Americans posted of themselves destroying the Capitol. I saw photos and videos of the destruction. I saw photos and videos of individuals who feared for their lives trying to seek safety and protection; scenes that were reminiscent of similar images I’ve seen from far too many mass shootings.

I saw the same evil in the faces of those terrorists that I did in the faces of Timothy McVeigh and Terry Nichols after they bombed the Alfred P. Murrah building in Oklahoma City, killing 158 individuals of which 19 were young children. I saw the same evil that I did in the faces of the international terrorists that were responsible for the devastation of September 11, 2001.

I watched the video that Trump posted on Twitter (before it was removed because of false information). I heard him say to his supporters that were storming the Capitol, “We have to have peace. So, go home.” I also heard him say “We love you. You're very special." I didn’t listen to the interpretation from pundits on MSNBC, CNN, ABC, CBS, Fox, or OAN of that video. I know what I saw and heard with my own eyes and ears.

I didn’t see patriots. I saw nothing that resembled God’s love or the Christian values I have been taught.

Everything I saw and heard on January 6, 2021 was predictable. EVERYTHING. I’m not going to get into questioning or blaming law enforcement agencies for being unprepared and failing to protect the Capitol. The blame doesn’t lie with one person; many people (past and present) are responsible for the horrific actions in Washington, DC yesterday, either through outright overt actions or complicity.

I saw a clip from today’s (January 7) episode of Today with Hoda and Jenna, where Jenna Bush Hager said, “This is not the America that I know.” I understand her sentiments. However, the America that we thought existed probably only did so in our imaginations because of our own privilege. We believed the theory of American exceptionalism espoused by the white authors of our history textbooks, the white pastors in our churches, and the white politicians we elected to office. We can stand in awe of the majesty of the buildings and monuments in our nation’s capital because our life circumstances protected us from social injustices.

As I watched the progression of the attack on the Capitol, I saw banners that read “Trump 2020: Keep America Great.” From my viewpoint, America didn’t look great. It is a country that is deeply, deeply flawed.

I’m grieving the loss of the America I thought existed, and that’s okay. Grief is a natural response, and it can be healing. However, continued denial and a refusal to learn and grow is dangerous.

We have an opportunity to create the country that we believed existed. Let’s not squander that opportunity with hate and false narratives.

I admit that I haven’t relied on my Christian faith much of late because of the hate and false narratives I have heard in the words of other Christians. But as the sun set on January 6 and I tried to process my feelings about the horror of the day, I turned to a prayer that my best friend shared with me. It was enough to calm the feelings of sadness and confusion. It was enough to soothe my aching spirit. It was enough to remind me that I still believe in good over evil.

From the Book of Common Prayer:

A Prayer from the Lord God Almighty,

in whose Name the founders of this country won liberty

for themselves and for us and lit the torch of freedom for nations then unborn:

Grant that we and all the people of this land

may have grace to maintain our liberties in righteousness and peace;

through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit,

one God, for ever and ever.

Amen.