Shattered
My heart is broken. As if the past 4 years haven’t been devasting enough, and particularly 2020, the news of Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s death on September 18 from metastatic pancreatic cancer was one more sucker punch to my already shattered soul.
Like so many of my friends, and millions of others, I was awed and moved by the iconic Supreme Court Justice, known as RBG (see my June 11, 2018 blog post https://www.shellistephensstidham.com/blog-1/2019/1/13/rbg). I had made plans on at least three trips to Washington, DC during the past 12 months to stand in the gallery of the U.S. Supreme Court during oral arguments just to catch a glimpse of her on the bench. However, each time those plans were thwarted by weather that delayed my flight, a change in the Court’s schedule, and finally the pandemic.
When news of her death reached me with the first of many texts from friends, my knees buckled. Then the tears started. I have cried and cried and cried. Each time I watched or read a tribute to her, I cried.
I cried because everything that I value, and she fought for feels in jeopardy in our country.
I cried because I have lost all faith in the integrity of individuals who control the U.S. Senate.
I cried because I am so fearful of the future and that my civil liberties will no longer be protected.
I cried because I am just so tired. Tired of worrying about the extreme weather impacting my friends across the country. Tired of worrying about my friends who work in healthcare and face daily physical risks because they are caring for individuals with COVID-19, as well emotional trauma from witnessing so many people die. Tired of always having to defend my religious beliefs because of my political affiliation. Tired of being shamed for being a “feminist” and “liberal.” Tired of being accused of letting politics end relationships when the words of the accusers cut me to my core. Tired of trying to have empathy for these same people when I’m not offered the same empathy. Tired of having to constantly explain this to my family.
To paraphrase one of RBG’s brilliant dissents from Ledbetter v Goodyear, I am tired of the “lack of comprehension or indifference to the insidious ways” that white, powerful, men have constructed a system that discriminates against everyone else.
At a time when so much of what I believe and value is at stake in our country, I want to honor the legacy of RBG by continuing her fight for equality and justice. But in a conversation with my best friend this weekend, we both admitted that we are struggling to find the strength.
As is so often the case, hope and inspiration comes when you most need it. Today, it was in the form of an email from my friend, Susan, who forwarded me the September 19 meditation from Father Richard Rohr, a globally recognized ecumenical teacher and founder of the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC). The subject line read: Some simple but urgent guidance to get us through these next months.
It was just what I needed from a friend who understands that I crave substance instead of empty platitudes. The meditation acknowledged that I am not alone; others are also feeling the despair of the “words and deeds meant to incite hatred, sow discord, and amplify the daily chaos.” It included passages from:
Etty Hillesum, a Dutch Jewish woman who was deported from Amsterdam and killed in the Auschwitz concentration camp;
Psalm 62:5-9: In God alone is my soul at rest. God is the source of my hope. In God I find shelter, my rock, and my safety. Men are but a puff of wind. Men who think themselves important are a delusion. Put them on a scale, they are gone is a puff of wind.
W.B. Yeats, the Irish Poet, who wrote his “Second Coming” during the World War I and the Spanish Flu pandemic.
After reading the meditation, I immediately subscribed to the CAC newsletter. Then, I turned up the volume on my speakers and listened to Jennifer Hudson sing “I’ll Fight,” the Oscar-nominated song from the 2018 film, RBG. Emilia Clarke, the Game of Thrones actress who introduced the song at the 2019 Oscars, described it as a “rallying cry, anthem and personal promise” that embodies the “seemingly endless strength and commitment of its subject.”
If it wasn’t already, it has certainly become my anthem. I will do my best to regain the strength to continue the fight.
As so many others have posted, Thank you, RBG. Rest in Power.
When you feel you're taking all that you can take
And you're sure you're never gonna catch a break
And the tears are rivers running down your face, yeah
When your faith is low and you've got no strength left
When you think you've gone as far as you can get
And you're too undone to take another step
Oh, I will take up the struggle Oh I know it's a fight
So, I'll fight, fight that war for you
I'll fight, stand and defend you
Take your side, that's what I'm here to do
I'll be there to be strong
Oh I'll keep on, keep on the fight
When it's dangerous, takes another piece of you
Everybody takes all they can get from you
Till you're left with almost nothing left of you
When each night is like a battle you can't win
And the pain is like a weight you're carrying I will be the one to help you carry it
Oh, I will take all your troubles
Oh I know it's a fight
So, I'll fight, fight that war for you I'll fight, stand and defend you
Take your side, that's what I'm here to do I'll be there to be strong
Oh I'll keep on, keep on the fight
I'll help your back when your backs to the wall
I'll catch the tears when your tears fall I will give it all I won't give up the fight
So, I'll fight, fight that war for you I'll fight, stand and defend you
Take your side, that's what I'm here to do I'll be there to be strong
Oh I'll keep on, keep on the fight
I'll fight, fight that war for you
I'll fight, stand and defend you
Take your side, take your side, take your side
That's what I'm here to do I'll be there to be strong (I'll be there, I'll be strong)
Oh I'll keep on, keep on the fight
I'll fight, I'll fight
