The Girlfriend Code

Last week as I was scrolling through news briefs on my phone while waiting to board my flight from Washington, DC back to Dallas, I saw a quote from the actress Jennifer Garner. In an interview with People magazine, Garner was asked what’s important when it come to the girlfriends in her life. Her response was a “sense of humor,” and “a lack of guilt.” Garner went on to say, “I do not believe friendship should or can come with guilt. Like a friend who says, ‘You haven’t called me,’ or ‘I saw you out with someone else.’ That is not part of the deal. That breaks the girlfriend code.”

I couldn’t agree more. I love my girlfriends. In more cases than not, they have been my salvation. But, I just don’t have the bandwidth or energy anymore to sustain “high maintenance” relationships, and certainly not ones that are toxic.

That doesn’t mean I won’t be there for friends who are having an “acute” traumatic experience. We all experience events in our life such as illness, death of loved ones, or an end to relationships, among other things. Without question, my friends deserve my attention and presence during those difficult times, and I will do everything in my power to support them in those moments.

However, I have finally realized that I can’t be the friend I need to be when I’m emotionally drained. And, the reality is that spending time with some people just zaps my energy. This became an “aha moment” during a recent conversation with my daughter, who unfortunately has inherited my desire to “save the world.” During that conversation, my daughter described a situation where she had tried to help a friend during a high-stress weekend – one that was fraught with multiple incidents beyond her control. My daughter’s voice cracked as she asked me, “Why do I get myself in these situations?” It was evident that she was physically and emotionally exhausted. As her mother, I wanted to reach through the phone line and the miles that separated us and wrap her in my arms. As I listened to her, I wondered what message I had sent her by always trying to be the “strong, helping” friend in too many relationships that required excessive attention.

A couple of months ago, I invited my friend, Mendy along on a business trip to Las Vegas. I knew that Mendy would enjoy spending a few days in “Sin City,” and I wanted to spend time with her. My friendship with Mendy is easy. She makes me laugh. She helps me be the best version of myself. I was really looking forward to the trip.

As usual, once we arrived in Las Vegas, I found myself overbooked and over-committed, leaving limited time to spend with Mendy. But, I was quickly reminded why I prioritize our friendship. Mendy is self-sufficient. She didn’t make me feel guilty about the time I had to devote to work. She was able to spend some time with family who live in the area. She found things to do when I was working. Yes, I know we were in Las Vegas, a city with many, many things to occupy your time. But, the beauty of Mendy is that she would have found things to do wherever we were. I hope that she knows how much I value our friendship. Mendy, like many of my close friends, energize me, even when I’m physically and emotionally exhausted.

I heard someone say on a podcast the other day, that “we share with people who have earned the right to hear our story.” That’s a good message. I want to share my time, energy and compassion with those who have earned to right to hear my story. I can still be empathetic with all, but I don’t need to invest my time with everyone.

I sometimes wonder if we have been taught by society not to be “selfish,” and if that has come at the expense of our own physical and emotional health. Kudos to Jennifer Garner for realizing at a much younger age than me that friendship shouldn’t be about guilt, but instead about healthy relationships. I hope that my daughter realizes the same thing sooner rather than later.

Until then Staley, I hope you have a Mendy in your life who makes you smile and gives you grace when you are less than perfect., I hope you have a Jen, Lindsay, and Courtney in your life who inspire your work and your play. And, I hope you have a Stewart, who on the eve of his wedding, chooses to spend a work trip with a bunch of his female friends. If you have those type of friends in your life, you will be happy.