Let's End Mom Guilt

March 8 is International Women’s Day. As usual, my social media accounts were flooded with posts and photos celebrating women in history, women changing the narrative about women’s roles, women in families, and women friends. I am a card-carrying supporter of women’s rights, and the social media posts inspire me. I am eternally grateful to the women who challenged stereotypes to make it easier for my daughter and me to have careers. I enjoy reading their stories.

But, it is the women in my family and my female friends that awe me. And, I want to pay it forward. In the next few weeks, my family will welcome a new family member – the daughter of my niece Madison and her husband, Ben. I have lots of advice for my niece, but . . . I am going to try very hard to limit it to this blog post, unless SHE ASKS for my advice.

Madi, the biggest thing I want to say to you is that I hope this “mom guilt” thing ends with you (and McKenna and Staley, if they choose to have children).

Even though there is no definition of mom guilt in the dictionary, believe me it exists. It is the feeling of anxiety and doubt that you are doing something wrong, and that your child will suffer for it. It’s also the feeling that you will fail as a parent if you don’t follow the “sage” advice of others.

You are going to get lots of advice, Madi. Listen to the advice, inform yourself, and then do the best thing for your daughter and family.

When Staley was 5 years of age, Uncle Gary and I made the decision to keep her in nursery school for one more year instead of starting her in Kindergarten. It had nothing to do with your cousin’s intelligence. As you know, her birthday is in May. Uncle Gary was an educator. Nan Nan and Bop were educators. Aunt Emi Lea and Uncle Dean were educators. We had many friends who were educators. We made an informed decision to delay starting Staley in Kindergarten when she was 5 after much discussion with the educators in our family, as well as with our friends. All agreed that it would be in her best interest. All of those educators told us they had never had anyone regret delaying school entry by a year. Yet, people we barely knew felt no qualms about telling us that our decision was a mistake. For months after we had made the decision, people continued to question us and talk about our decision to others. For the record, we made many mistakes (I’m sure Staley has them all cataloged), but that was not one of them. Staley thrived in school, partly because of the extra year of development and maturity.

Madi, you and Ben will make mistakes.

You will forget school assignments. You will forget to pack sunscreen, and she’ll get sunburned. You will enroll her in dance class, and she will hate dance. You will take her to McDonald’s for dinner because you’re too busy and overwhelmed to cook dinner. You will lose your patience and snap at her. As a toddler, she will test you. As a teenager, she will infuriate you.

But here’s the thing . . . children are exceptionally forgiving. Unless you intentionally put your child at risk for harm (and, make no mistake, we will all speak up in that case), the mistakes won’t matter as long as your child feels loved and safe. So forgive yourself for the mistakes you will make.

One more thing – your daughter will be born in 2019, not 1960 or 1991. She will grow up in a different time than you and Ben, your parents, grandparents, or in-laws. It is unrealistic, and in my opinion, harmful to expect her childhood, adolescence, or adulthood to be the same as yours. Don’t use the morality of your generation or your parents’ generation to judge her activities. After all, women who had pierced ears were judged to be “loose” and “immoral” in the 1940s. We have witnessed first hand the pain that judgment has caused in our own family. Don’t let the judgment of others inform your decisions.

One of the things that has helped me overcome “mom guilt” and to be more understanding of Staley’s choices is having a wide range of friends with different backgrounds and experiences. My friends are proud of their children whether the children have chosen financially lucrative careers or ones that makes them happy. My friends have encouraged and supported their children’s choices. And, their children are emotionally healthy.

My greatest wish for Staley when she was a young child was that she be a productive member of society. I understand now how important emotional health is to that equation.

Motherhood is the most challenging and rewarding thing you will ever do, Madi. But, you are not in this alone. There is an entire cadre of women who love you and your daughter. We are all willing to help – when you ask!

#ittakesavillage

#internationalwomensday