No Whining

In the winter of 2001, my daughter and I took my nephew (and her cousin) Evan with us on our annual snow skiing trip to Colorado. My daughter Staley, who was 12 at the time, had been skiing since she was 5 years old, but Evan, who was 11, had not learned to ski yet. I also enlisted my friend Mendy to join us on that trip.

Instead of enrolling Evan in ski school when we arrived in Breckenridge, Mendy, Staley and I undertook the responsibility of teaching him how to ski. As is often the case when you are learning to snow ski, you spend most of the time falling down as opposed to schussing down the mountain. Evan was no different. On our first day, his face was in the snow more times than he spent standing up on his skis. But, each time he fell, he got up, put his skis back on, and tried again. Not once did he want to quit (and I gave him many opportunities). Not once did he complain that it was too hard, too cold, too anything. His persistence paid off, and by the second day, he was actually skiing with us.

While Evan never complained, we heard lots of complaining from others on the slopes during that trip. At the end of the first day of skiing, we went into town to have dinner and shop for souvenirs. I don’t remember which one of the trio spotted it first, but they found a t-shirt with the words “No Whining” emblazoned on the front. After that, when we heard someone complaining, we would share a knowing glance and mouth the words “No Whining.” It became the motto for that trip.

Fast forward to the present day. I’ve tried to adhere to the “No Whining” philosophy, but I’m not sure I’ve been that successful. That realization really hit home this week. As I mentioned in a previous blog, my sister has enlisted me to watch Mel Robbins’ Mindset Reset videos for 35 days. The purpose of Mindset Reset is to provide tools to help shift your mindset, which will help in handling stress and quieting anxiety.

As I watched video #24 this week, I was reminded of that 2001 ski trip. The topic for video #24 is “if you want to change your life, you need to stop complaining.”

In the video, Robbins describes three types of complaining. The first is chronic complaining, which actually can impact your health. The second type is venting. I have to admit, I’ve used that term on numerous occasions! She said that venting is useful if it is releasing something inside you. However, it is not productive if you are trying to cram an agenda down someone else’s throat. “I’m right, I’m right, I’m right.” If that’s the case, the venting is just allowing you to spin and is not productive. The third type of complaining she described is just being unaware of how much you are actually complaining – about the traffic, flight delays, the weather, etc. Robbins calls this type of complaining low grade, unproductive complaining. She says that unless you are using the complaining/venting to notice changes that you need to make and taking action to make those changes to be healthier, happier, or more productive, then you are not solving the problems.

In the video, Robbins challenged us to try not to complain for 24 hours, including not complaining to ourselves in our mind or expressing dissatisfaction out loud. Simple, I thought smugly. After all, I’ve had 2 ½ years of mindfulness leadership training with Team Texas.

Uh, not so simple.

By 9:30 a.m. the next day, I had picked up my phone to text my friends Mary Ann and Courtney to “vent” three times. I stopped each time and did manage to make it through the day without expressing dissatisfaction out loud or in a text or email, but I lost count of how many times my mind went to the negative.

How often do I drift to what’s wrong instead of what’s right? How often do I describe the narrative in negative tones and words? How often have I said, “I’m tired, my flight was delayed, I’m working too many hours, etc.,” instead of “I’m fortunate to have a job that I love, my family is healthy, and I have caring, supportive friends?”

When I think back to that 2001 ski trip, I’m reminded of something that Evan said to me at the end of the first day (the one where he spent most of the day face down in the snow). As we were walking into our condo, he looked at me with all the conviction of an 11 year old and said, “This has been the best day of my life.” I smiled at his youthful comment because on that day, at that time, I thought there would be many “best days” of his life ahead. I hope there were. We lost Evan when he was 20. His absence has left a hole in the hearts of all of us who loved him. But, I will always be grateful for the time we spent together and the lessons he taught me on that ski trip. I just need to keep practicing.

#mindsetreset