"Sometimes being with your best friend is all the therapy you need."
June 23, 2018
There are numerous articles, books, and studies on female friendships. I have to admit – I’ve read many of them. My female friendships are very important to me, and I’ve been lucky to be friends with several strong women who have influenced my life.
In many of the books I’ve read on the subject, the women have been friends since elementary school. My mother (who is now in her 80s) is a member of a “birthday club,” which is a group of seven women, many of whom have been friends for 70+ years. These women not only celebrate each other’s birthdays, but also have traveled together. The local newspaper where they live even featured them in a story on female friendships.
Unlike my mother, I don’t live in the same community where I attended high school, so my best friend is not someone I’ve known forever. But even from early in our friendship, she has been the person who understood me better than most other people. And consequently, any time with her, whether it is a 10-minute phone call or 48 hours in the same city and same space, leaves me feeling happy.
On paper, it may be hard to imagine that we are friends because we’ve lived vastly different lives. While she was born in the U.S., her family moved to Great Britain when she was 1 year of age, and to Cape Town, South Africa when she was 11 years old. She lived in Cape Town (and through Apartheid) until she moved to Baltimore in the early 1990s with her husband. I was born in Oklahoma in a mostly rural setting and spent all but the last 10 years there. She was teaching at Johns Hopkins University, and I was working at the Oklahoma State Department of Health.
Whether it was luck or fate, our paths finally intersected, and we ended up in the same meeting in Chapel Hill, North Carolina on September 10, 2001. Within about 10 minutes of meeting her, I knew that I would move “heaven and earth,” if necessary, to be friends with this woman.
To be honest, Carolyn was (and still is) pretty much a “rock star” in our field. But for whatever reason, I had not heard of her prior to September 2001 (not sure what that says about me). I don’t use the term “rock star” lightly. Carolyn is a captivating speaker, whether she is giving a keynote presentation to hundreds or teaching to a smaller class of students. By now, I’ve watched her give many presentations, and the results are always the same. It’s like the audience is spellbound; hanging on every word she utters.
But, she also has this uncanny ability to connect with people; of making people want to get close to her. I’ve seen this happen over and over, including with my friends in Texas and Oklahoma. I think they all love her as much as I do! My friend, Mendy, once said to me (possibly with a tinge of jealousy), everyone wants to be friends with Carolyn, and you get to be! Trust me, Mendy. I fully understand that privilege!
It’s not the “rock star’ that I love about Carolyn; it’s all the other stuff. She is my confidant and my cheerleader. I love how she makes me feel safe. I love how she listens to my joys, sadness, and concerns without judgment, even when I slip into “judger” mode. I love the feel of her hug when I get tearful. I love how she can challenge my assumptions, cultivate my imagination, and make me believe that no task is too daunting and nothing is impossible. I love the look in her eyes when she thinks I’ve said something delusional. I love listening to her sing along with the songs on my playlist. I love hearing the excitement in her voice when she talks about Africa or the leadership work she is doing. I love “collecting memories” with her, whether it is traveling to fun places or sitting on my balcony or her deck, sharing a bottle (or two) of wine and just talking. I love how being with her makes me feel and the person I am when I’m with I’m with her.
I love her heart, because she has mine.
A few years ago, I had an opportunity to present her with an award given by a professional association of which we are both members. Recently, I found what I had written about her for the award. The last sentence was “she has been my oxygen.” It’s still true; today more than ever.
I don’t know how I got so lucky to have Carolyn Cumpsty-Fowler as my best friend, but, frankly, I don’t care. I’m just grateful that she is.