Seasons

“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1

November 25, 2018

In the past when I’ve thought of seasons, I thought of them in the meteorological context – Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. Honestly, I’ve never had a deep thought about seasons reflecting different events or experiences in my life. But recently, I was listening to The Nuanced Life podcast, which is co-hosted by Sarah Stewart Holland and Beth Silvers, who also co-host another podcast, Pantsuit Politics. Beth mentioned something about “thinking seasonally” and recognizing that she and a friend are in different seasons, and they don’t belong together during that season. That comment resonated with me.

Lately, I’ve allowed words uttered by friends to hurt me. I take friendships very seriously. I’m not suggesting that I have never said or done something to hurt another person, particularly a friend, but I can honestly say that I haven’t intentionally hurt someone. Furthermore, I don’t do “vulnerability” well, so admitting that I’ve been hurt is difficult for me.

I also try to avoid conflict. My best friend, who is assisting some friends and I with mindful leadership, is helping me recognize when my amygdala has been “hijacked” or when I’m feeling “up-regulated.” For those who are not familiar with brain health, the amygdala is part of the Limbic System, which is at the end of the hippocampus. Psychologist Daniel Goleman used the term "amygdala hijack" in his 1995 book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Goleman explained that humans have retained a structure in our brain that is designed to protect us by responding swiftly to a threat. This is what Dr. Christine Blasey Ford described during her testimony and questioning during the Senate hearing for Brett Kavanaugh.

If the amygdala senses danger, it makes a split second decision and begins the fight-or-flight response before the cortex has time to overrule it. This cascade of events triggers the release of adrenaline, a stress hormone, which leads to an increased heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, and in my case, nausea. This whole process takes a toll, and often individuals don’t recover to the original level of functioning for several hours.

My friends at Momentous Institute in Dallas are doing amazing, groundbreaking work around social emotional health and teaching children that this begins with safe relationships. They teach children how to self-regulate and build their awareness of self, which gives them the capacity to better understand others and ultimately help change society. For more information about Momentous Institute, their research, and “glitter balls,” check out https://momentousinstitute.org.

I wish I had learned more about social emotional health when I was a child. When I feel attacked, I don’t fight back. Instead, I withdraw. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about the hurtful words. I do. I replay the conversation(s) over and over and over, not for hours, but for days and months. I wonder what I should have done differently. What did I do wrong?

These thoughts are not unusual for me. However, I didn’t realize how much they were probably impacting my stress and mental health until an objective observer pointed it out to me. A few months ago, I was invited to participate in another leadership program, this one led by my employer, Parkland Health & Hospital System. As part of the program, participants are assigned a “coach” who meets with us monthly. With our coach’s help, we select a skill set we want to improve (mine is appreciative inquiry). A couple of weeks ago during our monthly discussion, my coach asked me about a staff planning retreat. Overall, I thought the retreat was productive and yielded some positive results. Yet, when asked about the retreat by my coach, I immediately responded with everything that I thought I had done wrong. Finally, she asked me to name some positive things about the retreat. When I did, she asked me whose ideas had led to each of the positive outcomes. I thought for a moment before responding. “I guess most of those ideas were mine,” I said. “Then, why didn’t you lead with what was good about the retreat instead of what you thought you had done wrong?” she asked. She pointed out that I have a tendency to be tougher on myself than others.

So the comment by Beth Silvers on The Nuanced Life podcast caused me to reflect. I recalled another comment that my best friend had said to me this summer. She said that it is all right for friendships to change. She said it is not my responsibility to maintain a relationship in the same way when I’ve been hurt, even if the other person expects that. This has been reiterated by my friend Mary Ann, who reminds me that my conversations should be grace-filled, but that it is fine, even necessary, to set boundaries.

A few weeks ago, I attended the American Public Health Association (APHA) Annual Meeting & Expo in San Diego. My mother usually asks me if I had a chance to “relax” when I return from a business trip, and by that she means “rest.” While many of these conferences and meetings are held in beautiful cities that I would love to explore, the reality is that I am there for work. The days and evenings are busy. I’m usually working 14-16 hours. There are breakfast meetings, lunch meetings, and dinner meetings. If I’m at a conference, there are sessions to attend between the meetings. So, no Mom, I’m not resting.

However, most of my business trips involve opportunities to connect with colleagues and friends I have met throughout the years. The APHA conference was no exception. I got to listen to my friend, Sue G. talk about her latest photography show. I listened to my friend Anara tell me about her month-long trip to Europe with her husband and her literary work. I listened to my friend Dawn discuss what she and her wife may do when they retire. I listened as my friend Paula talked about some personal struggles. All of my friends asked about me, and every one of them listened with interest as I shared my thoughts and concerns. I felt no judgment from them. Not one of them rolled their eyes when I talked or interrupted me. There was no stress. I got to be me without worrying whether what I said would be perceived negatively. The conversations with my friends were relaxing.

As we embark on the season of giving, I think I’ll give myself the gift of being more understanding of me – a gift these friends and many others have given me frequently.

And, I’ll remain thankful for their “easy and relaxing” friendship.