Easy Friendships
August 18, 2018
Recently, I heard the term “Your tribe determines your vibe.” I’m not sure about the source, so I don’t know to whom to attribute the phrase, but I completely agree with it. Today, I had phone calls with two friends that I hadn’t talked with in months, but both reminded me how grateful I am for “easy friendships.”
I hesitate to use the term “easy,” because I don’t want to imply that these friends have had an “easy” life. Life is never easy, and anyone who expects it to be is delusional. Life is chock full of good and bad times, and I want to be the kind of person who is there for my friends during the “messy” and heartbreaking times, as well as the celebratory occasions. But, the fact is that there have been instances for various reasons when I haven’t always done that. And, I’m so grateful that my friends have not let those times impact our friendship.
Last year, my friend, Nancy, lost her son, Nate, to a rare type of incurable brain cancer. I knew that Nate’s death was inevitable, and I had always intended to travel to North Carolina to attend his memorial service, regardless of when it occurred. However, when I learned that Nate’s service coincided with a long-planned trip to New York City with my mother, sister, daughter, and nieces, I made the decision to continue with that trip. Instead, my daughter and I flew to North Carolina the day before we were scheduled to travel to New York, so that we could spend a few hours with Nancy and her family. For those hours, we got to spend time remembering Nate with Nancy, Steve, Laine and Sarah, and also with two other close friends of theirs. I can’t speak for Tom and Jill, but I consider that evening a gift. At possibly the worst time of their lives, the Ballards shared an intensely personal time with Staley and me, and made us feel our efforts were appreciated, even though we couldn’t be there for Nate’s service.
I had a similar experience in 2014 when my friend, Stewart lost his fiancé to leukemia. Stewart is one of my “Texas tribe,” that also includes our friends, Mary Ann and Courtney. Stewart often jokes that Mary Ann and I are his “Texas moms,” and Courtney is his “Texas sister.” We all tried to be there for Stewart when his fiancé was ill, and for the most part, I think we were. But, when his fiancé died, her service was scheduled for a time that I had to be in Atlanta on business. Canceling that trip would have left the group I had committed to in a bind and resulted in a non-recoverable financial cost to them. I felt horrible that I couldn’t be there for Stewart. However, he made me feel like he understood. And, Mary Ann and Courtney let me know that they would be there for him. They all gave me permission to be absent from a difficult time for a friend who was hurting.
Last year, my friend Sue’s husband was hospitalized with an infection following what should have been a relatively routine surgery. I knew that he was scheduled for surgery, so when Sue sent me a text message about him being hospitalized, I thought it was for the routine surgery. I completely missed the cue in her text, and unfortunately didn’t respond until a couple of days later. When I finally did call her, I was horrified to learn that her husband’s infection had been misdiagnosed, and was at that time, potentially life-threatening. Fortunately, Sue had other “less clueless” friends who rallied around her for support, but I felt awful. However, instead of pointing out that I hadn’t been there when she needed me, Sue quickly made me feel like I wasn’t the worst friend on Earth.
Another time worth mentioning when a friend gave me a pass was the weekend of November 11-13, 2016. That weekend, my best friend’s daughter was directing her senior play at Washington College in Chestertown, Maryland. I had planned to be there for both the Friday and Saturday night performances. However, to say that I was despondent at that time would be grossly under exaggerated. I called Carolyn (or texted or emailed; it’s hard to remember those days) to tell her that I would be flying back to Dallas on Saturday. Normally, there are few places that I would rather be than with my best friend, especially during times of distress, but that Sunday I wanted (needed) to be at church in Dallas to hear words of comfort and hope from the pastor (you delivered, Anna!). Carolyn called me that Sunday, not to complain about me being so downcast during the weekend or even for leaving early, but to tell me that she and Dave understood. A few weeks later, when I let Carolyn know that I was cancelling my trip to Baltimore to attend the 2017 Women’s March in Washington, DC, with her, she also understood.
I hope that most of the time, I’m the type of friend my friends want and need. But when I’m less than my best, I’m so grateful to them for loving and accepting me – flaws and all.
