Belonging

April 15, 2018

Last week, I wrote about my moment of awe being a photo I saw of my friend, Nancy’s granddaughter on Facebook. Because the blog included personal information about Nancy and her family, I sent it to her first, asking her permission and that of her family to post. Nancy forwarded the blog to her daughter, Laine and Laine’s partner, Sarah. When Nancy later forwarded me Sarah’s approval, something in Nancy’s email caused me to pause. It read, “Sarah, if you need more insight as to how Shelli fits into our lives, I’m happy to provide.” “Shelli fits into our lives.” I liked seeing that!

I like “fitting into” the lives of Nancy and her family, as well as, hopefully, the lives of other friends. This is probably best explained by the fact that my top strength from the Strength Finders assessment is “connectedness.” (see March 16, 2018 post) By nature, you are guided by the notion that no one can live life without some help from others.

Maria Shriver writes about “belonging” in her April 15, 2018 online Sunday Paper: I’ve Been Thinking post. Shriver believes that having a sense of belonging is critical to your emotional, spiritual, mental and physical health. She believes that belonging is grounding, and reassuring, and calming. Shriver says that belonging gives your life a foundation, while not feeling like you belong creates loneliness, unhappiness, fear and anxiety.

Ironically, I had a very similar conversation with some colleagues (and friends) this week. We were discussing how membership in our professional associations had not only advanced our careers, but were a source of support and camaraderie. I’ve been a member of the Safe States Alliance for more than 20 years, and many of the other members are some of my closest friends. We’ve celebrated the births and graduations of our children and mourned the loss of loved ones. We’ve raised a glass of wine (or two or three) to job changes, promotions, and retirements. As my friend, Lisa VanderWerf-Hourigan used to say, “Safe States is family.” For me, more often than not, it has felt that way.

I’m incredibly fortunate to have a large number of diverse, supportive, and interesting friends spread across the U.S. These people fuel my sense of belonging. But, I also know what it feels like to not “fit in.” One of my favorite passages from any book is one that appears in the The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Early in the book, the main character “Skeeter,” who has spent four years at the University of Mississippi (Ole Miss), has arrived back in her hometown of Jackson, Mississippi. Skeeter is the only one of her friends who completed a degree; the others left college early sans a degree to return to Jackson and get married. In my favorite passage, Skeeter has returned from being with her hometown friends at a bridge party or something like that. She is ruminating on comments made by her friends, and thinks to herself that she feels like she has been “dropped in a place where I don’t belong anymore.” I understand, Skeeter. I’ve felt that way.

Shriver says that “feeling like we belong — to ourselves, to others, and to our country — is something we all need to feel less anxious. Belonging is calming. Belonging is powerful. It’s at the root of our being. To belong is to feel safe. It’s about being accepted and cared for. It’s about being at home in a family, in a community, and in a country.”

Much of the work that I do consists of improving policies and environmental conditions that contribute to overall safety and good health for the entire population – that’s why it’s called “population health.” I’m not abandoning that. But this week, I think I’ll devote some time to helping an individual who doesn’t think they belong – someone who has been made to feel like an outcast because of their religion, race/ethnicity, gender, sexual preferences, etc. As Maria Shriver says, “Will we pause and look around and see our neighbor as ourselves? Will we pause and see our neighbor as another human being who is also seeking to belong?

This week, I’ll try to be someone else’s “inspiration and moment of awe.”